A Rapidly Evolved Relationship Landscape
For many years we have heard how adult children of divorce may be less likely to marry or more likely to divorce, but is it really that clear cut? Is the picture really so bleak? After all, many factors contribute to that potential link between parental divorce and future romantic relationship successes of their offspring.
Plus, when you look at the research into that link specifically, the vast majority of it was conducted many years ago, most of it before 2011, or using data from well before then, and yet society has evolved rapidly in the past decade and a half, let alone since the 70s, 80s, and 90s, and in so many ways.
We’ve witnessed a massive evolution from the change in our self-awareness to changing attitudes towards marital ‘success’ and ‘failure’, to our understanding and acceptance of previously taboo topics such as online dating, divorce, poor mental health, and toxic relationships.
Prior to this change, these topics were like dark secrets you kept within the family or only mentioned to your closest friends. Now people shout about them from the roof top (maybe a little too much in some people’s minds but hey, we’re all entitled to be our individual selves, right, so each to their own).
Research About Being A Child Of Divorce
Fortunately, once you drill into the details, most of the research paints an optimistic picture.
Firstly, a lot of the research on the subject has been longitudinal (long-term) studies where the first wave of data collection occurred decades ago, such as the 70s. Women and men divorcing decades ago. Can you imagine? What a huge taboo at the time meaning a lot of difficulties and ‘shame’ for the divorcees and their offspring. A lot has changed since then. Society has changed. People have changed. Attitudes have changed. Opportunities have changed.
Secondly, even when the research findings are, at first glance, kind of bleak, something important stands out. A lot of the research highlights how thoughts influenced attitudes and behaviours, both in the divorcees, and subsequently, in their offspring, both during adolescence and adulthood. Below are some examples.
Parental Divorce & Marital Commitment & Confidence
In a study of engaged couples, the women of divorced parents were found to have lower relationship commitment and less confidence in their own impending marriages lasting than did women of non-divorced parents [1]. However, being the offspring of divorce did not impact the marital commitment, nor confidence, of the men in the study.
Furthermore, the level of inter-parental conflict witnessed by the women from divorced families did not alter their relationship commitment or confidence, thereby highlighting that it is the divorce, rather than the parental conflict that impacted their attitudes in terms of relationship commitment and confidence. And given parental divorce impacted the women but not the men with regards to their marital commitment and confidence, something is at play, it’s not a general issue. For example, it could be how parents differently discuss divorce with daughters vs. sons.
Parental Divorce & Young Adults’ Outlook On Marriage
In a study on young adults, 50% of whom were from divorced families, those who reported greater feelings of commitment in their current romantic relationship tended to have more positive feelings about marriage [2], highlighting that a person’s current views on romantic relationships can influence their optimistic outlook about marriage in the future, despite being adult children of divorce.
Transmission Of Marital Instability From Divorced Parents
In a longitudinal study assessing the reasons behind a greater likelihood of divorce from parents to offspring found, amongst other things, that parental divorce more often linked with offspring divorce when the children of divorced parents had reported a low, rather than high, level of parental marital discord prior to their parents’ marriage ending [3].
This study demonstrates the influence of expectations about what makes a marriage end, and/or shock over an unexpected event, on a person’s thoughts and feelings towards divorce. As though the unpredictability of one’s parents’ divorce can unnerve one’s perception of, and feelings towards, the concept of a life-long marriage.
Mental Health Of Children Of Divorced Parents
In a scientific review of studies that had used data between 1980 and 2015, researchers found that children of divorce whose parents separated or divorced before they (the offspring) had turned 16 years old, had an increased likelihood of having depression during adulthood [4].
Therefore, could it be a feeling of low self-worth, sadness, hopelessness and learned helplessness stemming from childhood parental divorce, or parental conflict they experienced during their parents’ marriage, that plays at least a partial role in the adult child’s mental health which in turn could impact their perception of marriage and may be part of the reason for why some children of divorce feel pessimistic about marriage?
Attitudes Towards Divorce In Children Of Divorce
And in a study on young adults’ attitudes towards divorce and their own romantic relationships (notably different from marriage but still relevant), researchers found those from divorced families held more favourable views about divorce, when compared with those from non-divorced families and that, a positive attitude towards divorce was linked to a lower commitment to their own romantic relationship and this in turn was linked to a higher chance of their own romantic relationship being dissolved during the 14 week period of the study [5].
What’s more, the young adults of divorced parents had either observed high parental conflict or low parental conflict prior to the divorce. Those who had witnessed high levels of parental conflict had more favourable attitudes towards divorce than those who had witnessed low levels of parental conflict prior to their parents’ divorce.
And those who had observed low levels of parental conflict prior to their parents’ divorce, had a less favourable attitude toward divorce, experienced more relationship stability in their own romantic relationships and were less likely to have had a relationship break-up during the 14 week research period.
This could suggest that they didn’t perceive their parents’ divorce as a necessary outcome of their parents’ relationship problems which then shaped their perception of divorce on the whole, which in turn helped them to separate their feelings about their own future resulting in them being able to maintain a favourable attitude towards romantic relationships, thereby helping them to create and experience more relationship stability and thus have more lasting relationships.
Thoughts Shape Your Life
Notice that pattern? Perceptions, expectations, attitudes. In other words…thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
The above are just a few examples, but when you look at research papers, the adulthood outcomes point to the influence of thoughts that stem from parental divorce, including those passed on by grieving parents. So, if, as a child of separation or divorce, you’ve been feeling down and/or confused about your own prospects of getting married and having a lasting, happy marriage, this is for you.
You are not doomed to be divorced one day just because your parents were and just because you may have had unsatisfactory romantic relationships thus far. Your childhood experiences may have negatively shaped your thoughts about marriage and divorce, but they don’t need to. Nor should they.
So, without getting into the finer details of those studies in this article (we’ll leave that for another time), right now, allow me to share 9 reasons why you should stay hopeful about marriage, whether your parents divorced or separated, so as to redirect your thoughts towards a realistic, positive, optimistic outlook.
9 Reasons For Staying Hopeful About Marriage As A Child Of Divorce
1. Your parents’ relationship provides you with a blueprint of what worked and what didn’t, emulate the good, discard the bad.
2. The era your parents were raised in will have impacted their decision to marry, and that might have meant they married the wrong person, maybe knowingly, but feeling unable to choose otherwise, and so divorce may have been inevitable all along and had nothing to do with your arrival.
3. Your parents’ attitudes and behaviours will have affected their marriage, divorce, and life after divorce, your attitudes and behaviours from this point on will affect your relationships from this point on. You are not them. You get to choose your thoughts and behaviours.
4. People make mistakes, including parents. Their relationship mistakes aren’t your mistakes. Therefore, their relationship outcomes aren’t your relationship outcomes.
5. Your parents may have married the wrong person by accident, so do your best to make sure you don’t.
6. Your parents might have married for the wrong reasons, maybe unknowingly, make sure you marry for the right reasons, for example, not because you want to have children and your ‘biological clock is ticking’, or because you’re panicking about growing old alone, or because you’re the only single person in your social circle.
7. Given people were generally marrying at a much younger age in decades gone by, your parents may not have been mature enough to make the right partner choice and/or to successfully weather the storms of life together.
8. As a product of bygone eras, your parents may not have been self-aware enough when they married, so make sure that you are as it will give you the best instructions for who you should spend your happy ever after with.
9. You are your own person, never judge your life based on someone else’s. You are capable of the love and happiness you put your heart and mind to.
Thoughts Become Things
Thoughts steer your life. Choose them, use them, wisely.
Use your thoughts to steer you towards relationship happiness. Use your thoughts not to ruminate over your parents’ life experiences but to learn from them. Use your thoughts to unravel why, in hindsight, your parents may have given you some of the unhealthy thought patterns you may have about marriage and divorce, whilst they were emotionally struggling to process theirs.
Whatever mistakes you’ve made in your romantic relationships so far are also helpful lessons about what you want from a relationship and partner, what you don’t want, what you’re willing to put up with, and what you’re absolutely not willing to put up with, and what really makes you come alive, makes you your best self, and what sort of future you want. Use those things to guide you towards your happy ever after.
References
1. Whitton, S. W., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2008). Effects of parental divorce on marital commitment and confidence. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(5), 789–793. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012800
2. Lazinski, M. J., & Ehrenberg, M. F. (2024). Young adult’s outlook on marriage: The influence of parental divorce, family of origin functioning and attachment style. Family Transitions, 65(7), 1–28. https://doi.org/10.1080/28375300.2024.2382994
3. Amato P. R., DeBoer D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.01038.x
4. Sands, A., Thompson, E. J., & Gaysina, D. (2017). Long-term influences of parental divorce on offspring affective disorders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 218, 105–114. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2017.04.015
5. Cui, M., Fincham, F. D., & Durtschi, J. A. (2011). The effect of parental divorce on young adults’ romantic relationship dissolution: What makes a difference? Personal Relationships, 18(3), 410–426. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01306.x
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