Commitment Readiness
Are you ready for love or not? Do you want to be in a committed romantic relationship but something’s holding you back? Is it imaginary or is it something you really need to resolve before you can move forward? These are questions you may have been pondering and if so, this new study may help you.
In a recent study, researchers set out to see whether singletons’ perception of their own readiness for a committed romantic relationship was similar to how ready for love their friends judged them to be; and whether those perceived by their friends to be insecurely attached (having either an anxious or avoidant attachment style) were also perceived as not ready for relationship commitment [1].
Commitment readiness determines things like whether a person seeks out romantic relationships in the first place; how they execute their dating journey; how they feel and behave when an opportunity for a committed relationship arises; and how they regulate their emotions, and behave, once in a serious romantic relationship.
Anxious attachment ‘is characterized by a preoccupation with the availability of close others and a hypervigilance to signs of rejection and abandonment.’ [1]
Avoidant attachment ‘is characterized by a discomfort of emotional and physical intimacy and the need for autonomy or independence (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2010).’ [1]
In the study, groups of four friends were utilised, with 193 friend quads, totalling 772 individuals.
Below, we’ll look at some of the researchers’ main findings and then discuss this in relation to you, your friends and your own commitment readiness.
Key Research Findings
1. Friends largely agreed on who was most ready for a relationship out of their friends, whilst there was less (but still moderate) agreement on their friends’ attachment style, suggesting that it may be easier for a person to detect a friend’s readiness for relationship commitment than it is to gauge a friend’s attachment style.
2. Although less than the friends’ agreement on a friend’s commitment readiness, there was still moderate agreement amongst friends on who had an anxious attachment style and who was more avoidantly attached than others.
3. For judgements on commitment readiness, there was strong self-other agreement thereby demonstrating that how people viewed their own commitment readiness tended to match how their friends viewed them too.
4. Although this self-other rating was substantially strong, when their perception of their own readiness differed from their friends’, people saw themselves as being higher in commitment readiness than their friends did.
5. For perception of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance, self-other agreement (how people saw themselves and how their friends saw them) was moderately strong, not as strong as the overlap for commitment readiness but still moderately similar views of oneself compared with how friends viewed them.
6. When friends perceived a person as more anxiously attached or avoidantly attached, they also perceived them as less ready for relationship commitment.
7. When a person reported themselves as being more avoidantly attached, the less likely they were to feel ready for a committed relationship.
8. When friends saw another friend as ready for relationship commitment, they also tended to see that friend as less anxiously attached and less avoidantly attached.
9. When testing the effects of demographics, another interesting finding was that those who were themselves single (as opposed to coupled), were more likely to perceive their friends as ready for a committed relationship.
You, Your Friends And Your Commitment Readiness
These interesting insights are useful to apply to your own life. They help you to think about (i) what the missing link in your life may be, (ii) assess what sort of messages you’re giving to others, i.e. what type of ‘vibe’ you’re giving to others, and (iii) whether you think your friends’ perceptions of you are correct or not, and what that tells you.
And allow me to give you some helpful takeaways that you can immediately start applying to your life should you be hoping to commit to a serious romantic relationship one day, and get married.
If They’re Real Friends
If real friends – those who genuinely want the best for you, who are consistently happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness – hint at the fact that you may not be ready for a committed relationship or have a more anxious or avoidant attachment style, then it may be a sign that you need to give your relationship with yourself some work and attention.
And if you, too, agree with their analyses about you not being ready for committment or about you being more anxiously or avoidantly attached (currently, as you can change your attachment style), then it’s a great moment in time for you to take action in order to achieve your dating and relationship goals.
Nurture your relationship with yourself. Here are some quotes on self-worth to help inspire some ideas.
Understand where your relationship insecurities stem from. Consider professional help for overcoming these (attachment) issues holding you back, for example, what your childhood relationships may have been like, to your adult relationships with significant others such as your parents, teachers or friends, to past unhealthy romantic relationships you’ve had.
And ask yourself good questions. Looking from the outside in can help you to problem-solve more easily as you can sometimes see things more clearly that way. So here are a few questions to ponder:
1. What is it that they have noticed regarding your thoughts about, and attitude towards, being in a committed relationship that makes them think you’re not quite ready for relationship commitment? What do you tend to say on the topic? (Write those sentences down so you can look at them.)
2. What is it that they have noticed regarding your behaviours when you’re (a) getting acquainted with a potential date, (b) going on dates, (c) interacting digitally with a new romantic interest, (d) when things are getting more serious between you and someone you’re dating? (Write down your answers.)
3. What emotions do you tend to experience when (a) you meet someone new and (b) when you’re getting to know someone more deeply? Anxiety, overwhelming excitement, extreme optimism, numbness, pessimism, something else?
Your answers to the above give you your starting point (where you are right now), and:
- allow you to begin thinking about what will help you to overcome any self-sabotaging and relationship-goals-sabotaging thoughts and attitudes,
- change any self-sabotaging and goal-sabotaging behaviours, and
- resolve any negative emotions that you’re currently experiencing (this will require deep introspection and taking action).
Notice also how those who were themselves single, as opposed to those who were coupled, were more likely to perceive their friends as ready for a committed relationship.
Could it be that your single friends may be missing signs of you unreadiness for a committed relationship whilst your coupled friends, possibly more aware of the traits that help a person ride the highs and lows of commitment and the need for the ability to form a secure attachment with one’s partner, may be making more astute observations? Sometimes when a person is in a relationship currently, they find it easier to recall the path one has to navigate in relationships.
On the other hand, could it be that your single friends are feeling more optimistic about relationships, particularly if your coupled friends are in unsatisfactory ones themselves.
Given we do not know enough about the romantic relationships of the coupled friends in the study, I’d wager that the former is more likely.
So, coupled friends may give you a more accurate observation on your commitment readiness than your single friends do, something to bear in mind when you are seeking opinions from your friends.
A Disclaimer For Your Happiness: If They’re Secretly Jealous Friends
Just before we continue, I must say this for your health, happiness’ and goals’ sake.
Real friends are friends who care for you and genuinely want the best for you, not secret frenemies trying to hold you back from your happiness and growth.
You do need to make sure that you are surrounded by the right people. People who empower you and want you to be happy, not those who disempower you and want you to be unhappy. People who nurture your self-esteem and self-worth, not those that insidiously, purposely erode it.
You know that saying, ‘misery loves company’ (referring to those who are miserable and want to make those around them miserable, too)? Frenemies don’t want their ‘friends’ (sometimes known as abuse victims) to grow and be happy because then they lose them and all they feel they gain from them, including being accompanied in their misery, and even someone for them to toy with so that they can feel ‘in control of you’, ‘above you’ and ‘powerful’.
So, if you have a real, genuine, want the best for you type of friend – and you can always tell who they are through how they react and behave when you tell them about something good or bad happening in your life – only then is it worth paying attention to their opinions on your commitment readiness and attachment style.
The Vibe You’re Giving Off
Now back to the study.
What this research also highlights is that how others perceive your readiness for commitment and your attachment style, may be repelling dates, and potential long-term mates. That may be the reason you’re experiencing what seems like challenge after challenge on the dating scene.
Or why you’re not even getting to meet people you’ve connected with on online dating. Or why the men/women you interact with when out socialising never seem that interested. Or why you’ve been on a string of first and second dates but, even when you’re interested in them, they never seem to be. And so on.
It might be that they are picking up on your insecurities. You can fix those.
It might be that they don’t think you’re ready for a committed relationship despite stating that you are, and a serious relationship may be the only thing they are interested in.
Furthermore, your family and friends can play a significant, helpful role in your dating life. For example, they can introduce you to potential romantic partners via people they know, be your wingman or wingwoman when out socially looking for love, help you to navigate your online and offline dating journey with advice and pep talks, help you to work through your dating and relationship challenges, and remind you of your worth when you’re struggling to see it for yourself.
However, how they assist you can be shaped by how they view you. They may not currently be helping you to the best of their ability, not out of a lack of love, but simply because they don’t see you as ready for a committed relationship. Fix your inner turmoil, and you fix their perception of you, and by doing so, will likely gain better help from them with your love life.
And remember that your decision to pursue a particular relationship or not, may also be coloured by how you currently view yourself.
Nothing Is Set In Stone
You can change all of this.
Care about yourself, care about the direction your life goes in.
And if you want to be happy, and want to be in a lasting, committed, healthy, happy, romantic, passionate, relationship/marriage one day, then take charge of your life, and take it where you want it to go, whether that requires achieving a healthy self-worth, a more secure attachment style, and/or being ready for a committed relationship.
Reference
1. Yang, H., Weidmann, R., Purol, M. F., Ackerman, R. A., Lucas, R. E., & Chopik, W. J. (2025). Ready (for love) or not? Self and other perceptions of commitment readiness and associations with attachment orientations. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251317920
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